If you follow me on twitter or tumblr you might know that one of my photos was submitted to a hateful and fatphobic (transphobic, ageist, etc etc) facebook group: “There’s a weight limit on leggings & skinny jeans.” I have posted photos of myself on the internet for years, and have copped a huge variety of flack (but WAY more compliments!) So I wasn’t really upset that someone had taken a photo I had posted to an outfit website, and submitted it to this nasty group, after all it was just a matter of time – and who knows, more of my photos could be posted in any number of bigotry-filled hideyholes online. I have heard so many jabs at my fatness that insults just sound like caricatures of other insults these days, but for many other people it is really upsetting and distressing.
Firstly, you know how I feel about body shame that is dressed up as fashion advice. It’s bogus. No one should be harassed, mocked or attacked for wearing clothes (or NOT wearing clothes). There is absolutely no weight limit on leggings or skinny jeans. There is, however, an abundance of people who are falling into a trap of being way too invested in what other people do, and wear. Why do they care so much? Probably because it gives them a sense of being better than other people, but that is a terrible foundation to build one’s self esteem upon. It’s a foundation that benefits business, not people, and it suits the beauty, fashion and weight loss industries to have every day people like you and I reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards that help shift units so people can feel better about themselves by putting other people down, therefore reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards (stop me before I get sucked into this infinite loop here guys).
I reject those arbitrary standards. I reject the imaginary line between skinny and fat, the line that’s a size 6 for some people and a size 14 for others. And if you’re friends with a fat person, they lose 4 imaginary dress sizes on the basis of that friendship (“Oh honey, you’re not fat! Don’t be so mean to yourself!”). I reject the beauty ideal. I reject the idea of the “flattering outfit”. I reject the gender binary. I reject being ladylike. These standards are not nobel things to uphold – they trap us, and constrict us. They push us into target markets so we can be sold things more easily. And while I can say with 150% gusto that I reject these things, I can’t help but toe the line sometimes without even realising. Societal conditioning is that strong, it’s that pervasive.
So when someone makes fun of me for: being fat, wearing “unflattering” clothes, looking like a man, being a bitch, having acne, not being polite or gracious, wearing too little perfume, wearing too much perfume, having gunk in my eye, wearing a t-shirt that shows my belly when I raise my arm, perspiring a lot or laughing too loudly… It’s totally personal, but then again, it totally isn’t. We all have a variety of unique and personal characteristics, and they might read a little differently depending on where you live, what you look like, how much you earn, the colour of your skin or what gender you are, but at the end of the day those criticisms are about hemming you in and disempowering you. I can’t even get angry at people who insult me anymore because I know most of us are conditioned to think this way.
I know for a FACT, despite the protestations in this particular facebook group, that seeing a fat person in leggings or skinny jeans will not cause injury. I’ve read quite a few comments from members who seem personally insulted when they see someone wearing something they don’t agree with. This is hyperbole. This is like when Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons) puts his arms in the air and flails them about. I like to imagine these people doing the Mr. Burns flail. It’s that comical to me. So, when I discovered the person who submitted my photograph to this group (please note, it’s NOT the group owner) I wrote her a message and I didn’t rip her a new arsehole. I just couldn’t, you know? Here’s what I wrote:
Congratulations for contributing to girl on girl hate by contributing to a fatphobic and anti-woman facebook group. I don’t have anything against you personally for submitting my photo, but I encourage you to look at yours and other women’s bodies more positively. For your own benefit.
I’m still going to wear skinny jeans and tights, because there isn’t actually a weight limit and I am fairly impervious to body shame these days. I don’t know if you’ve heard of body acceptance, or fat acceptance, but I’m an active participant within the movement and I invite you to come check out some blogs and open your mind to an existence where you are free to love your body, instead of feeling ashamed of it.
I don’t want to attack you, because body negativity is encouraged in our society and it’s pretty much the norm to make fun of people to make ourselves feel better. Funny thing is, it doesn’t work like that. I could call you any name under the sun, and you’d only come back at me with more names, and none of us would get anywhere. For sisterhood, for solidarity, I wanted to reach out to you.
Cheerio!
Natalie
I am so privileged to have so many supporters, and I received a metric buttload of messages yesterday from so many wonderful people who reported the group, and the use of my photograph. I can’t help but feel sad for other people who have had their photo posted without permission, who don’t have so many people reporting the misuse of their images. I tried to go through and report as many as I could, and I encourage you to do the same. I’m not linking to the group, however, just because I don’t want to give it too much publicity.
Today I discovered that my photograph had been taken down by facebook but there are hundreds of other photos still up. I’m grateful that facebook actually took notice of the literal army of people who reported my photograph on my behalf, but it’s still sad that the group is still active. I don’t know the best way to combat this kind of harmful attitude, but I think discussion plays a big role. That’s why I wrote a note to the person who submitted my photograph, and that’s why I’m writing this blog entry. I want to contribute to productive discussion, even though a part of me wants to call them giant dirt-sucking arseholes.
Let me promise you, and me, one thing. I will NEVER stop being visible, online and offline because not only do I have a right to visibility, but when I make myself and my fatness visible I make this personal. I get the impression that members of this group don’t think the people in the photos they submit are real, but they are. And they write messages and blog posts, and have the support of the Fat-o-sphere as well as other allies, friends and family.
go girl!!
and BTW, you DO look amazing!
This is a really powerful post, and I hope it gets linked all. over. the place. Visibility is so important.
Good for you, Natalie! Whoever wrote that is an insecure, mean-spirited person. You look great in skinnies! xoxo
http://bonjourgazel.blogspot.com
You are BEAUTIFUL, STYLISH and so incredibly TALENTED… I only wish the person who submitted the photo knew who you were and what you do/stand for. They may just have the same admiration for you that I (and I'm sure so many others) do.
Amazing post. I linked to it here, by the way. Keep on fighting.
Natalie, this post is just, well, fabulous. Thank you.
It's so sad that women feel they need, and are encouraged, to seek validation for themselves by focussing on others. What a crock. We should look within ourselves for our own validation and not rely on what others are – or are not wearing/doing/looking/saying etc.
And shit lady you look smoking in the photo!
You know, I have always been a fan of you, but now, I have fallen in love! Girl, so many people have this image of us that we will sit back, quiet in pergatory for loving our curves… I applaud you for standing up, keeping it classy, and shutting it down.
You rock!
wow, I'm so proud of you. If I'd found out my photo was on a page like that I probably would of either curled up and died or tracked the girl down and cut her. Neither which would accomplish very much. It takes serious grace to act like you did. I would of felt really sorry for myself, your post makes me feel kinda sorry for her though. To have to belittle other people like that, she must be pretty insecure about herself. You are amazing and beautiful. (I was actually thinking how great your hair looks in that picture before I read what your post was about) You look AMAZING in your skinny jeans!!!!
You're my new hero.
Kind of ironic that on google reader I got a little ad as part of this post “Lose Weight Fast Now! Look fabulous & feel great today! It's simple, affordable and magical”.
Oh shit, I thought I'd removed all google ads?! I got so sick of trying to black list all the weight loss ones :(
If figured if you knew it was happening, it wouldn't be there anymore :)
Could you let me know if the ads are still there the next time I post? I think I have removed them, thanks for letting me know about this.
Visibility is so important, and I encourage you to continue being your beautiful self. Over the past year you've contributed to my increased confidence in my size, and I am not ashamed to finally share in gorgeous fashions I would normally shy away from due to criticism.
You are one hell of a woman Natalie Perkins, and a real one at that.
Sure enough, I linked to you. Well said, and better said than I could have!
I'm usually not the type of person to say this, but: you go girl! A major internet high five for rising up against immaturity and hate.
I saw that group recently because one of my Facebook friends became a part of that group. I'm still wondering if I should remove her or not. As a fat woman who wears leggings, I'm not sure what message I should take away from that.
http://bargainfatshionista.blogspot.com
Still getting ads from Google when I load your blog in reader, but the change might take a while to filter through I guess.
Way to go! I'm glad you don't let them bring you down. We can wear (and not wear) anything we want. Clothes were made to dress people, not the other way around.
YES. We must be visible. We can't back down just because the world says we need to be sheepish and hide away in our little fatty hideyhole.
You rock. You handled the situation with grace and maturity. Madam, I salute you.
Thank you for being visible. I can imagine that it's not always easy because people like this try to bully you out of wearing/doing/saying things that are true to yourself.
I looked at that Facebook group. Nearly all the pictures were of size 14 and under girls (many of them were size 0-4, which I know because they posted their size) looking for approval on whether or not they were skinny enough for skinny jeans. This just made me sad. It's hard to be angry at girls who are so unsure of themselves. I really feel like your message to the person who posted your photo was completely appropriate given the circumstances. Thank you for being so awesome.
Well said. I'm posting this on my facebook page – Sharnanigans. Spread the positive vibe some more x
Awesome. People can be arseholes. Not all, but a fair few. Hey, we've all had a crack at being a bastard to someone, at some point in time, but at what point do you grow up and realise that life doesn't revolve around how skinny or fat or botoxed or someone is. When they get a life, that's when :) Great response.
<3
You go girl, keep struttin' your stuff and living life to the fullest :) Proud of ya.
you do look amazing :) i wish i were at a stage where I could be confident enough not to be severely rocked by a comment/action like this. you're an inspiration
You look amazing, and you are amazing. Nuff said. xx
Wow, an amazing post, it really shows how far you have come to look from this kind of perspective on the situation. I don't know if I would be able to react like this but I think its the best way you did.
I think everyone of us knows this comments about being to fat to wear this and that and you are right, you could have reacted aggressive on it and call her a skinny bitch which an intolerant mind, but it wouldn't make anything better, it would just go on and go. And I think if we react like the “haters” don't expect us to, it is the best way to show that we don't care about what they say and that we are open to everyone no meter if they are size zero or size 30!
Thank you so much for posting this, after the day I have had today I really needed to read something strong and wonderful like this.
You're one of my favourite people in the world and I don't even know you. And I might have to hi-jack the phrase “metric buttload”. Keep on keeping on, beautiful.
Yes Yes Yesssssss! You are amazing Natalie, and such an inspiration! <3
Hey, I'm a guy in his early twenties, I don't usually go on these sorts of sites but I saw your message and I felt compelled to voice my opinion on the subject.
I just wanted you to know I think you have great legs and it's fantastic to see you showing them off in a nice pair a skinnys :-)
I can't understand why some people are so bothered by curves, there's nothing sexy about some scrawny girl that looks like she'd snap in half the second you hug her. Real women have curves and I love to see girls like yourself who are proud of theirs.
It's great to see so many female readers supporting you, but I just wanted to let you know it's not just them who feel so strongly about this subject. I see so much hatred going on towards curvy women but most of the time it's just jealousy from other ladies who have nothing to display.
Real women have curves. Your doing a fantastic job at raising awareness and helping other women who have to deal with the same crap from ignorant bigots such as this ridiculous group you mentioned.
But anyway I'm repeating myself now.
No matter how you look, how you dress or what you do, people will always have a problem with you for some reason or another. Keep doing what your doing and be proud of who you are. Your a beautiful and confident woman and you should be proud.
Best Wishes :-)
Actually, Matt, “real women” have curves, and some do not. They are all real women, and they are all beautiful. I think you are missing the point of this entirely. It's great that you're being supportive of Natalie, but dragging down “scrawny” women doesn't need to be part of the deal.
I love you! I keep hearing people say that bigger girls shouldn't wear skinny jeans, but I bought a pair a few weeks ago and I have gotten so many compliments! I feel really cute in them, actually. It's done wonders for my self esteem.
I also LOVE to wear horizontal stripes, which is another one of those things “we” shouldn't wear. Honestly, that only makes me wanna wear them more ;)
Someone linked to this post from Jezebel, and I am so grateful that they did. You are a beautiful woman sharing a beautiful sentiment. Also, I am currently rocking leggings. ::insert raised solidarity fist here::
i remember this one time photos of me a loooong time ago surfaced on this awful waste of internet space called “freak safari.” at first i was kind of hurt, of course, but then i took the time to look at how STUPID the insults and comments made about me were, ie things like i “breathe more air than a skinny person”. i couldn't let them win because the comments were lazy, misinformed and just downright ridiculous. i totally loved when you said “I know for a FACT, despite the protestations in this particular facebook group, that seeing a fat person in leggings or skinny jeans will not cause injury. I’ve read quite a few comments from members who seem personally insulted when they see someone wearing something they don’t agree with. This is hyperbole. This is like when Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons) puts his arms in the air and flails them about. I like to imagine these people doing the Mr. Burns flail. It’s that comical to me,” because it really is THAT stupid. it's a great way of looking at a potentially damaging situation.
also, you do look amazing in that photo.
You're amazing. This–this post, is SO amazing, and thank you.
omg Natalie.
i actually prefer bigger girls in skinny jeans / leggings.
the shapes and curves are the best!
just a few points :
– hate anything to do with immature / size-ist etc people. It's very strange that sort of shit exists. it really blows my mind how that exists
– love my bigger girls. everytime. and you and me both know there are lots of people worldwide who much prefer girls with bigger shapes.
– you're beautiful! and so super strong for dealing w/ this attack on you and other girls who've been singled out. its really inspiring.
– The people who run anything to do with anti-acceptance movements have to be the most unhappy, unfulfilled pieces of shit in the whole world.
It makes me really sad.
I'm so proud of all these great comments and contributions to your post. Makes me feel so good to know there is a strong opposition.
Natalie, you put it so well, I really commend you. I have completely had a life-turnaround in the past couple of months, and has made me step out of general society's expections and other's expectations and I've started doing things that feel right for me. It is so good that you do the same. And replying with grace and love (in a way) is such a stronger response than being angry.
I'm not going to be like everyone else to comment on how you look in that photo, because physical appearances have no effect on me whatsoever, so I think it's irrellevant. What matters to me is that you as a person is absolutely beautiful – you have a wonderful spirit and soul, and I'd say the same to anyone regardless of their physical appearance. :)
Whether you are “stereotypically” beautiful on the outside or not, I couldnt care less. What society percieves as physically beautiful is a superficial and ever-so-chaning thing to chase. One's physical appearance can change in an instant. A person can appear to be what society percieves to be beautiful one day, then be in say, a car accident and that physical beauty changes. Someone can be a size 6 one month, then the next month go up to a size 12. A woman can have what society percieves as “beautiful” thick luscious hair and eyelashes, then after so long of chemo, that “beauty” is gone. Physical “beauty” can come and go so quickly that basing everything on it is like building a house of sand.
What doesnt change regardless physical appearance is who you are as a person, and your spirit and soul you posess. Basing beauty on that seems far more logical.
Good call. It's not about size or what you are wearing as long as you rock it.
Way to go, Natalie!!! I hope that person really took your words to heart. It's easy to “stick it to” somebody when they're mean to you. Continuing to champion our cause and hopefully help a sister out is a brave and beautiful act. You, my sister, rock!
Thank you.
Wonderful post, thank you so much for being awesome and outspoken and positive in the face of pointless mean pettiness! (And extra kudos for making the connection that all this infighting benefits businesses, not people.)
snap
that's all
Thank you so much for that! Although I am not a mean person and am generally for the underdog. I too have been guilty of snide remarks. I am so sorry because it's wrong and it's ugly! I admire your self esteem and thank you for helping me to see my wrongs!
I support naturally made healthy body types. Body abuse is so pre-2010, for any body type whether naturally skinny or naturally fat, or even exercised to get toned. Nobody should abuse themselves and make their body go where it doesn't want to.
So on a lighter note, let me tell you how jealous I am of you in your skinnies. Like really, to me its not how fat or skinny someone has to be, but the actual symmetry of the leg. I don't were them because I have HUGE this but slim calves and I cant wear them without thinking my legs look like chicken drumsticks. But I don't care because I can rock wide legs better than anyone I know. But I'm loving our body acceptance movement, I really do. wow, I just wrote a lot.
Magnificently stated girl – thankyou for your authenticity, emotional intelligence and honesty! :)
Jenni Miles
Thank you.
firstly, you look amazing! i can see the hatred to girls who wear leggings or skinny jeans, not because they're “too fat” but they don't know how to wear them properly. you clearly do, you don't deserve to be on such a bullshit website or group. you look fabulous.