If you follow me on twitter or tumblr you might know that one of my photos was submitted to a hateful and fatphobic (transphobic, ageist, etc etc) facebook group: “There’s a weight limit on leggings & skinny jeans.” I have posted photos of myself on the internet for years, and have copped a huge variety of flack (but WAY more compliments!) So I wasn’t really upset that someone had taken a photo I had posted to an outfit website, and submitted it to this nasty group, after all it was just a matter of time – and who knows, more of my photos could be posted in any number of bigotry-filled hideyholes online. I have heard so many jabs at my fatness that insults just sound like caricatures of other insults these days, but for many other people it is really upsetting and distressing.
Firstly, you know how I feel about body shame that is dressed up as fashion advice. It’s bogus. No one should be harassed, mocked or attacked for wearing clothes (or NOT wearing clothes). There is absolutely no weight limit on leggings or skinny jeans. There is, however, an abundance of people who are falling into a trap of being way too invested in what other people do, and wear. Why do they care so much? Probably because it gives them a sense of being better than other people, but that is a terrible foundation to build one’s self esteem upon. It’s a foundation that benefits business, not people, and it suits the beauty, fashion and weight loss industries to have every day people like you and I reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards that help shift units so people can feel better about themselves by putting other people down, therefore reinforcing arbitrary beauty standards (stop me before I get sucked into this infinite loop here guys).
I reject those arbitrary standards. I reject the imaginary line between skinny and fat, the line that’s a size 6 for some people and a size 14 for others. And if you’re friends with a fat person, they lose 4 imaginary dress sizes on the basis of that friendship (“Oh honey, you’re not fat! Don’t be so mean to yourself!”). I reject the beauty ideal. I reject the idea of the “flattering outfit”. I reject the gender binary. I reject being ladylike. These standards are not nobel things to uphold – they trap us, and constrict us. They push us into target markets so we can be sold things more easily. And while I can say with 150% gusto that I reject these things, I can’t help but toe the line sometimes without even realising. Societal conditioning is that strong, it’s that pervasive.
So when someone makes fun of me for: being fat, wearing “unflattering” clothes, looking like a man, being a bitch, having acne, not being polite or gracious, wearing too little perfume, wearing too much perfume, having gunk in my eye, wearing a t-shirt that shows my belly when I raise my arm, perspiring a lot or laughing too loudly… It’s totally personal, but then again, it totally isn’t. We all have a variety of unique and personal characteristics, and they might read a little differently depending on where you live, what you look like, how much you earn, the colour of your skin or what gender you are, but at the end of the day those criticisms are about hemming you in and disempowering you. I can’t even get angry at people who insult me anymore because I know most of us are conditioned to think this way.
I know for a FACT, despite the protestations in this particular facebook group, that seeing a fat person in leggings or skinny jeans will not cause injury. I’ve read quite a few comments from members who seem personally insulted when they see someone wearing something they don’t agree with. This is hyperbole. This is like when Mr. Burns (from the Simpsons) puts his arms in the air and flails them about. I like to imagine these people doing the Mr. Burns flail. It’s that comical to me. So, when I discovered the person who submitted my photograph to this group (please note, it’s NOT the group owner) I wrote her a message and I didn’t rip her a new arsehole. I just couldn’t, you know? Here’s what I wrote:
Congratulations for contributing to girl on girl hate by contributing to a fatphobic and anti-woman facebook group. I don’t have anything against you personally for submitting my photo, but I encourage you to look at yours and other women’s bodies more positively. For your own benefit.
I’m still going to wear skinny jeans and tights, because there isn’t actually a weight limit and I am fairly impervious to body shame these days. I don’t know if you’ve heard of body acceptance, or fat acceptance, but I’m an active participant within the movement and I invite you to come check out some blogs and open your mind to an existence where you are free to love your body, instead of feeling ashamed of it.
I don’t want to attack you, because body negativity is encouraged in our society and it’s pretty much the norm to make fun of people to make ourselves feel better. Funny thing is, it doesn’t work like that. I could call you any name under the sun, and you’d only come back at me with more names, and none of us would get anywhere. For sisterhood, for solidarity, I wanted to reach out to you.
Cheerio!
Natalie
I am so privileged to have so many supporters, and I received a metric buttload of messages yesterday from so many wonderful people who reported the group, and the use of my photograph. I can’t help but feel sad for other people who have had their photo posted without permission, who don’t have so many people reporting the misuse of their images. I tried to go through and report as many as I could, and I encourage you to do the same. I’m not linking to the group, however, just because I don’t want to give it too much publicity.
Today I discovered that my photograph had been taken down by facebook but there are hundreds of other photos still up. I’m grateful that facebook actually took notice of the literal army of people who reported my photograph on my behalf, but it’s still sad that the group is still active. I don’t know the best way to combat this kind of harmful attitude, but I think discussion plays a big role. That’s why I wrote a note to the person who submitted my photograph, and that’s why I’m writing this blog entry. I want to contribute to productive discussion, even though a part of me wants to call them giant dirt-sucking arseholes.
Let me promise you, and me, one thing. I will NEVER stop being visible, online and offline because not only do I have a right to visibility, but when I make myself and my fatness visible I make this personal. I get the impression that members of this group don’t think the people in the photos they submit are real, but they are. And they write messages and blog posts, and have the support of the Fat-o-sphere as well as other allies, friends and family.
This post is just awesome. I've (personally) always been afraid of wearing shorts in public, and even though the rational side of my brain says nobody will care, the irrational part says someone will think something mean about me. Well so what if they do! I ran errands in shorts the other day and nobody said anything.
I say this because the it's personal but it's not personal thing really rings home with me.
that is so strange that they would use your photo especially since you look quite fab in those skinny jeans! good for you for staying at your level and not stooping down to theirs
“Yes” to everything that everyone else has written. This post is sensational AS ARE YOU! To respond to such a shitty thing in such a positive way is commendable as hell. Your site, politics and style is inspirational. Keep it up!
wow, I love this post. Its my first time on your blog, and I am in awe of the bravery and self-love that has made you respond in such a thoughtful and mature way to these sucky people. You are amazing!
I saw this on Jezebel- and I just wanted to pop over and wish you kudos. You are a complete class act!
i am so in big fat puffy heart love with you that i am doing a cartwheel right now!
*throwing tamponfetti*
*three cheers*
Came via Jezebel, and wanted to say that it is a given, IMHO, that the person that submitted your photograph to this group . . . lives in constant fear that her photograph is going to wind up on a Facebook group called “Get a nosejob already!” or “It's Called Electrolysis, Okay?!” or “Cankles, much?!” And, inevitably “Gosh, you look OLD now!”
The only way out, person, the ONLY way out of this hole, is to take Natalie's advice as given here.
girl, you look good. SERIOUSLY. :)!!!!!
Well, and of course, they violated copyright and FB usage guidelines to use your photo….Honestly, they have to affidavit that they have the right to use the photos when posting to FB, and it sounds like you did not provide that permission.
I saw the republished blog entry on Jezebel, and honestly, you look awesome. I might try on skinny jeans sometime just to see what I look like in them. I didn't think I could wear them because I'm not thin, but you've definitely changed my mind on trying them out.
I hope they respond positively to your message but I fear they probably won't. Maybe someday…
This post is awesome and you look terrific in that photo! It makes me really happy to see a fat woman wearing cute, stylish, proudly form-fitting clothes and not giving a f*ck what other people think of her. Fashion is not just for skinny girls– fashion is a method of self-expression for anyone who wants to make a statement with their outfit. You rock and I'm definitely going to keep reading your blog.
You look great in your skinny jeans. Thank you for writing this post as I was having a “I shouldn't wear skinny jeans cuz I'm fat” day. :-) You rock.
I just discovered your blog and am so glad that I did! Your response to utter nonsense is gracious and inspiring – and I'm telling our readers all about you! Keep on, keeping on lady!!
hi there, first time on this blog via a tweet by Grechen commending you on your post.
I don't think the fat comments really stop when you're below a certain size. I for one, have always been called “fat.” I'm 5'10″ and pant size 4/6. I think that's just the first thing girls call each other (other than slut) when they are jealous and don't know what to do. Anyway, I think you look GORGEOUS because you love yourself and it shines through and also because you ARE gorgeous.
-Diya
Go you! I had a flickr photo of mine posted to a now defunct “wardrobe rejects” tumblr last year, with both style and body/shape negative commentary added, and while at first I wanted to attack the author, in the end I felt similarly to how you do. I kept right on posting my pictures and practically dared the author to keep making fun of me. Keep wearing whatever you want to wear!
This is a fantastic response. I loved reading this. Thanks for posting.
i wish that i loved my body the way you love yours. more than losing those last ten pounds, more than sprouting those long legs and that perfect torso, i would give anything to see myself as beautiful.
yr awesome! and also a total babe.
also: “metric buttload”? that shit made me laugh. !
take care.
I just came across your blog via a tweet, and I fucking love this post. Oh, and you are rocking those skinny jeans!
Could someone who has a facebook make a page called “I LOOK AWESOME IN MY JEANS!” and just copy most of the photos from the hate group and post them on the new page? That would be fantastic. I don't have/like/agree with Facebook or I would so do it.
Hi lady, I came across your post and your blog via Threadbared and I love everything about this post, your response to the facebook group, and I love reading your thoughts on body image, the policing of fashion and who gets to wear what, and especially your thoughts as far as girl on girl hatred. I love that instead of doing the very thing that encourages girl on girl hate (sending a hateful email to the person who posted your image or making personal attacks about girls who are a different body, etc,) you instead acted in a way to promote more open discussion, to promote self empowerment rather than self effacement. I'm so glad that you wrote about your right to visibility. I'm deeply moved.
Visiting via Threadbared, and just wanted to tell you I admire the wisdom & grace & confidence with which you handled a situation that would've pretty much left me catatonic. Thanks for being awesome :)
If only there was more intelligent thought like this out in the world! This was a fabulous post (which I found via Jezebel) and I want to congratulate you on it and being such a great role model for girls in general. It is rare that women get to see someone (or read, as the case may be) with such a love for themselves. It is definitely something that we need more of.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Those nasty little hobgoblin types, hanging around the sidelines like Waldorf and Statler, wish that they had half of your confidence and dignity.
Hell yes. There is a great benefit when you stop judging others' bodies: you can love your own! And you're right, there's always shit to judge, but never any point. Thank you for this.
I love this entry and your response is perfection. So glad I found this blog! You are beautiful and look fantastic in your jeans. Your positivity toward someone so cruel is inspiring.
Tell it, sister.
I am all for rejecting those flimsy social constructs that keep us down. I love that you wrote this not in a whiny, self-deprecatory, pseudo-honest voice, but from a place of deep confidence and truth.
Keep up the great work.
I had a friend in high school whose face was not “pretty” by “conventional standards,” but she had the most wonderful charisma. Everyone liked her and wanted to be with her. Why? Because she loved herself and others saw that. It couldn't help but shine through. She used to joke that all she needed was a lipstick and a can of hairspray (it was the 60's, ok?) and she could turn any guy's head. Which she did.
She has long since gone from my life, but I always will remember her for the light that shone as a result of genuinely loving herself just as she was. What an example to us all who struggle, are are you, Natalie.
Good for you! You look fantastic!
I just wanted to say that I adore you and I plan on sharing this. <3
you are the smartest.
know how you dont wanna see a fat dude in a speedo? same reason i dont wanna see you in leggings. sorry. your fat and i would rather not see all the rolls hangin out everywhere
I have two daughters. I wish you lived next door. Good on you, lady.
Top class attitude, and great role modeling.
You're amazing. Keep it up.
I do wanna see that actually. You should just quit hating and MYOB.
My wife had a great shirt that said, “I'm not here to decorate your world.” People who don't like what you look like in skinny jeans can look away. What an irrational, arrogant attitude some people have when they DEMAND that certain groups avoid certain styles so THEIR aesthetic preference aren't impinged upon.
Peace,
Shannon
Hey, thanks for commenting, but
http://www.sadtrombone.com
I'm tired of seeing people celebrating fatness. Being fat is a bad thing that leads to tons of health problems. Much like being too skinny, being too fat is something to be avoided with good dietary habits and exercise.
what an inspiring reaction to such hateful crap. I am spreading your word, because if everyone who was ever targeted this way could see how strong you are, they would be that much more able to find that strength inside themselves! keep on keepin' on sister…
You look great !!!!!! Having a shape is a good thing !!!!!! Keep up standing up for us curvy girls !!!!!! Have a great time !!!!!
Actually, I don't think it's ever even that they don't like how we look in some particular outfit, I think it's their own insecurities about how they think they look in their own clothes that they throw on us.
Thanks lady, it's nice to see things like this.
What does 'fat acceptance' mean? We live in a culture of rapidly rising obesity due to poor diet and lack of exercise, especially amongst kids. Why accept that? I'd rather focus on eating well and exercising well than accepting it.
I would like to point out that you are wearing skinny jeans that fit you properly and look great on you, unlike many who cram themselves in to jeans that are WAY to small. I completely support people wearing whatever they want, but I respect them a lot more if they buy clothes that fit (which end up being more flattering anyway!) rather than bulging out of clothes that are too small, or showing everyone every detail of their butt in too tight leggings. Your jeans make you look confident and self-aware, while many jeans that don't fit and leave bulges in unflattering places just make it appear that the wearer is desperate to be smaller than they are and are lying to themselves about their true size.
Ouh Rah! Go you!
It took me so many years to accept myself, now that I have I feel wondrous and my boyfriend is ecstatic. We should make more people aware that being decorative is just that and that passion doesn't relate to physical form.
I really do admire your bravery. Putting yourself “out there” taking hits for the rest of us who are too tired or fearful to stand up for ourselves. Thank you. A quote I only half remember: “Never imagine that a small group of people can't change the world; indeed, it's the only way it has ever been done”. PS have you ever heard of Shannon Falkner? She too was brave and strong.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sam. :) I'm naturally frail, so when people say that real women have curves, I find it kind of insulting.