23 Easy Steps To Making A Dress. The Result? Worship Her Efforts Or Fear Her Wrath.

1. I want to make a dress! I WANT TO MAKE A DRESS AND I MUST MAKE A DRESS
2. Which pattern? Ugh now I have to pore over pattern reviews.
3. GUH, now I’ve got to cut it out.
4. I suppose I should make a muslin.
5. Every finger must be stabbed with pins. The world will pay for this injustice.
6. Muslin finished. Disaster. Let’s make it work. Let’s alter the pattern in a billion ways. Full bust adjustment, forward shoulder adjustment, sway back adjustment, lengthen skirt. Just kill me so I don’t have to wear any more clothes.
7. Second muslin. Eh it’s ok. Time to butcher my good fabric.
8. But what fabric? This one! Oh not enough yardage. I guess this one then.
9. Position pattern pieces. Meditate on the best way to minimise yardage. More fingers pricked. Blood. Cursing. Screaming. Damning these sharp but indispensable pins to heck.
10. I bloody hate this. I hate sewing. I need a break. Watch some netflix.
11. Stare at the fabric. Cut out the fabric. Mark the goddamn notches and darts. This is the worst. I don’t know why I wanted to do this. Whose idea was this? Why can’t I fit into ready to wear clothing? A pox on the fashion designers who don’t think I exist. You’ll regret your entire life when I die and haunt you in the nude.
12. God I hate sewing darts. Pressing.
13. This is going to be so great. I’m going to look amazing. Everyone will love me sick.
14. Try on bodice without a bra. It’s ok. I guess, if pendulous boobs ever become fashionable.
15. Skip putting clothes back on because I’m only going to be taking them off again to try the bloody thing on again. It’s 1am, no one will see.
16. Catch an entire swathe of fabric in the seam. Fall to knees and cry.
17. Break time. Watch 6 episodes of Wentworth. Can not possibly face the situation I have created. Bed.
18. Wake up and remember the dress. Resign one’s self to a solemn day of unpicking, sewing and finishing. I am a powerful woman and I can beat this garment into submission.
19. The hem. Fuck the hem it’s time to read facebook. Paste a few links to Snopes articles and feel like shitty no-fun daughter and niece. Everyone must suffer when I sew.
20. Ugh the hem. After dinner. And three hours of tv.
21. Stare at the nearly complete dress. Hang it up. Let’s do it.
22. Hem the dress. Immediately strip, and put it on before surveying the bra-free catastrophe before you in the mirror. Grudgingly put the bra on. And…
23. The dress. It is done. I am a genius. Pure and brilliant. A vision. Please compliment me. I love sewing and I’m so passionate about this, I’m going to make at least 10 more from this pattern.

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